World's Last Single Guy

…equals the number of days I’ve been back in Toledo.  2 Years today marks when I moved back.  So what’s happened since I’ve come back?

Three girlfriends, 60 some credit hours in college, 3 new tattoos, an awesome nephew, a new apartment, and a WHOLE lot of ignorance.

I wanted this to be a celebratory post, but first I need to tell you about last night.

So, if you didn’t already know, I am not the world’s largest guy.  A customer who is on pace TO BE the world’s largest guy visited me at work last night to have his new phone turned on.  What could have been a simple phone call into customer service instead turned into a racist, conservative fiasco.  The customer, whose name I will not share but will say it rhymes with Hairy Dough, arrives in our store, the only customer in the place, so far so good.

He is having his military grade phone that has a known hinge issue replaced with the same item, one in which will no longer work in Northwest Ohio in the next month.  I inform him of this, but he doesn’t care.  He wants the new one turned on.  The issue with this model of phone is the way the SIM card is inserted.  Seriously, you have to apply pressure to it not unlike popping a zit.

Not shown? The booger under the index finger that properly grips the F’ing SIM card…

As I am applying pressure, he is telling me to “BE CAREFUL.” I know, guy, I do this for a living.  I actually said that to him.  Here’s a ROUGH re-enactment.

“Be careful with that.  It’s got all my important phone numbers in it.”

“Will do, sir.  I do this for a living and your phone is important to me.”

“Don’t bullshit me.  I’m a bullshitter, I’ve been bullshitting before you were alive.”

“Well, I haven’t been alive too long, sir, but I was raised to not swear in public.”

“Yeah, well if you mess that up, you’ll prefer me swearing to what comes next.”

“Gotcha.  Like I said, I do this for a living, so don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.”

“Oh yeah?  Well Obama is the president for the living and he has no idea what he’s doing!  We don’t even know where he’s come from!”

“I do believe they found his birth certificate stating he was born in Hawaii, sir.”

“He gave General Motors all that money and they have yet to pay it back!”

“I’m pretty sure General Motors paid that money back, sir.”

“Yeah well they haven’t paid ME back!”

Now, I know politics is a no-no to talk about at the work place, so I wanted to state only facts and not opinions.  Clearly the customer was talking about how GM paid back some of the bailout they received in the form of stocks, and the bailout came from TARP funds.  What about the bailouts the banks have received?  I’ve been working since 1998, so I’ve been paying taxes since then, and I have yet to see any of my tax money returned to me other than the taxes I do every year.

“And he eats dog!”

What. The. F….

Clearly, the gentleman decided to spout out his conservatism at a store where it’s pretty much inheritably known not to discuss politics. So I decided to ignore it and move onward.  Sure as shit, his SIM card wouldn’t work so we decided to replace it for him, free of charge.  He immediately was upset it wouldn’t work, so I told him I would manually connect the working phone to the new one and transfer his numbers for him, so he would not be without his contacts.

Pretty decent thought, right?  NOOOOOO

“You manhandled and broke my SIM card!”

“I don’t think that’s what happened, sir.  The good news is, I will replace your SIM card and recover your contacts so you’re not without.  Why don’t you have a seat and I’ll start on that and bring you the phones when I’m finished?”

“No, I think I’ll stand right here and watch so you don’t abuse my phone any more.  You don’t want to make me any angrier, you won’t like it.”Incredible Hulk much?

Guess what part of this picture I drew!

Now, beyond the fact that we had his phone operational again, he decided this morning, my celebration day of two years back home, to call into the store and tie up our manager on duty for ten minutes talking about how much of an idiot I am and how big my ego is.

He’s half right, I have a HUUUUUGGGGGEEEEE EGO.  He said if I knew half as much as I pretended to, I wouldn’t be such an idiot.  My manager replied that, actually, I have more passing (very satisfied) surveys than any other representative in our store.  His response?

“Well, Toledo is full of liberal idiots.”

Two years back, another liberal idiot happy to be home around some amazing friends, a wonderful family, and a bunch of other idiots.  Let’s celebrate.

I tend to write more when I’m not doing so hot.  I’m kind of like Edgar Allen Poe, I suppose, without the quality.  I guess this was my outlet to vent about being upset about dating, but what’s crazy is, I haven’t been dating yet I haven’t been feeling upset about that.  So, I figure, let’s talk about what’s going good in my life so far.

For starters, I hate being old and still having acne.  I recently signed up for Neutrogena’s SkinID, and it’s only been a few days but it seems to be working.

I just saw The Avengers for the second time and it confirmed this is my new favorite movie.  Everyone has their little guilty pleasure flick, my sister’s being teen drama movies (I’m looking at you, OLDER SISTER!), and mine just happens to be a movie based on comic books.  Yes, I am old, yes I pay taxes, yes I go to school full-time while being employed full-time, but holy shit, I love me some comic books.

My two favorites. Hawkeye because he’s normal, no powers. Widow because DID YOU SEE HER BUTT?!?!?!

I graduate with dual bachelor’s degrees in less than a year.  This could not have come sooner.  I am totally for going for my Master’s degree after, but I’m a bit concerned about the interning hours necessary, as it’d be unpaid and my schedule doesn’t exactly allow me to take a year off to intern.  Decisions, decisions.

I’m still single.  Right now, I’m very okay with that.  I haven’t been on a date yet, and I’m okay with that also.  As The Clarks would say, I’m having fun looking out for number one, and I’m doing all the things I like to do.

So, to those of you who remain faithful to reading this, I apologize for the lack of quality content.  I’ve been so busy getting me right that I haven’t been writing about it.  I promise you, Justin 2.0 will be released soon.  I think it’s gonna be awesome.

Goodness, I took a short nap while wearing a nicotine patch (quitting for REALZ this time, folks) and had the most crazy dreams.  Started out I was in Hilton Head, and  had this really lush place all to myself.  I left for a little bit to mingle with some ladies, came back and I thought I was robbed.  I then figured out I was just standing in the wrong room.  So I find my computer and decide, I got this amazing place to myself, I’m gonna go on Facebook and invite ALL of my friends over for a nice get together (cause all of my FB friends are readily available to travel to Hilton Head for a one night party).  I kept trying to log in but I kept typing “Faceboob“.  Frustrated with my inability to type, I decided to take a swim in a lagoon (that may or may not exist in Hilton Head) and was promptly eaten by an alligator or crocodile.  I could never tell the difference.

Add me if you like FACEBOOBS, LOL!

So a buddy of mine recently linked me to a news article that I find rather interesting.  This says that men prefer pink shaded vaginas to red shaded vaginas.  What I find surprising is the survey did not ask the men “would you not stick your penis in any of the shown vulvas?”  I mean, it’s sort of a biased survey.  What do you like more, applewood bacon or hickory smoked bacon?  I DON’T CARE, I LIKE BACON!  You know?

I first Google Image searched the word Vulva, but then decided, based on the results, that I would show a picture of bacon instead. DO NOT GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH THE WORD "VULVA"!

Lastly, I FINALLY watched Brittany Gibbon’s TED Talk video. While, recently, I’ve been being all serious about psychology, I have decided to maybe, just maybe, try to be a bit more off the wall.  However, this video really got me thinking.  Women are not the only ones who are ridiculed because of their body.  I, being 30 years old, 5’7″ tall and roughly 140 pounds soaking wet, am often judged by my body before even being spoken to.

Sunday, our first volleyball game of the season, I ran into an old colleague at the volleyball court.  She was always a very nice, sweet girl, if not sort of ditzy (no offense if she is reading this, which she isn’t). We were trying to catch up quickly when a gentleman that was with her kept saying, loud enough for me to hear “quit talking to the guy in the tiny shirt and get in here.”  Her other friends were laughing at my expense, because she was paying attention to someone other than the one throwing insults my way, indirectly.  My point is, while I am very proud of Brittany for standing up for woman who may be uncomfortable with their bodies, men suffer the same way.  Men tend to be more physically aggressive, more likely to act out in violence if they are upset, and body issues is often a form of bullying that leads to such violence.  I applaud Brittany for her attempts, and hope she is doing well in them, but I want everyone to know that this issue also affects men.  I’m not going to strip down now, but this is the shirt in question…

If you look closely at the door knob of my bedroom door, it says "Attempting 1st Base, DO NOT DISTURB." I've left it on there since the day I've moved in. Or Christmas. Yeah, Christmas.

I’ve been awake a total of 40 minutes so far, and already the day has started off with a stupid bang.

Last year, I  wrote about having an ear infection.  Nearly six months on the dot, and I am feeling sick again.  Not as bad as last year, but still pretty terrible.  My body is producing mucus (lovely word) at a rate that honestly frightens me.  Which is even cooler because tomorrow my beach volleyball league starts.

Do you think they leave the house wondering, "is this showing off my butt, enough?"

So, in order to sleep through the night, I’ve been relegated to taking Unisom.  What I found out LAST NIGHT about taking said medication, is that if you don’t go to bed within an hour of taking it, it doesn’t work as well.  I partially blame my love for Detroit sports teams for this, because as I was waiting for the wonder pill to kick in, I was youtube searching Detroit Lions, if only so I could catch Calvin Johnson give the Top Ten on Letterman.  I could be just making this up, but I believe the fact I felt like I was a million degrees hot when I did go to bed is enough scientific research to prove this true.

The worst part is, I was seriously looking forward to enjoying breakfast with my parents this morning.  Instead of enjoying some chocolate chip pancakes (and the scantily clad waitress who brings them out to me) I enjoyed a dream where I missed all of my homework assignments because I was on vacation.  Where did I go on vacation in my dream?  Oh, you know, Auschwitz.  I blame you, Unisom!

"For sleep that restores...and scares the shit outta you."

That bird looks pissed!

I suppose I should start off by saying, I do not think I am all that.  I know I have my flaws, as we all do.  What I am attempting to do is take responsibility in the positives in my life.

I am a huge fan of the tattoos I have.  I never once look at my ink and think to myself, “wow, I should NOT have gotten that done.”

I also like to think I am the cause of satisfied customers at my workplace.  This month alone I am 7 for 7 in satisfaction surveys.  Considering myself and my co-workers are paid based on this as a group, I would hope someone would recognize this, but alas, no one does.

Along with said satisfaction surveys, I also believe I am the reason a majority of my female customers smile.  Yeah, that sounds egotistical, but it’s not, I promise.

“If you received a compliment, what kind of attribution do you think would make you feel the best? If you consider the cause of the compliment to be internal (something about you), stable (something that will always be there), and global (something that will be found in all situations), you are likely to feel better about yourself (Feenstra, 2011).”  Yes, I just cited my college textbook on attributions.  Quite frankly, I am done with being a negative person.

Ya see, most of you don’t know me.  When I present myself to you, via this blog, I am doing what an ex of mine referred to as “peacocking.”  I am showing you my prettiest feathers.  But, being that this is my blog, I’m allowed that, right?  Kudos to Life’s Crazy Joke to pointing out things that are weird about her, but we’re not at that stage, now are we?

I am not egotistical, but I’m in the process of learning that I can’t begin to make someone else happy without being happy with myself, first.  Too often in prior relationships I would forego my wants and needs to ensure my significant other was happy, first.  My good buddy Matt pointed this out to me one night.  While I do want, ultimately, to just be happy, I have found myself sacrificing what I want short-term to achieve a long-term gain.  Maybe that’s normal?

Yes, I realize I had posted a picture of myself, half-naked as some would describe, in my last entry.  I have yet to receive one complaint (or even one comment, for that matter!).

Just realize, we have yet to even scratch the surface of who The World’s Last Single Guy really is, but we’ll get there, readers.  Meanwhile, head over to Life’s Crazy Joke and check the comments, where I DO confess a few weird things about me.  If you like it, I may continue onward.  In the meantime, here’s In The Meantime..

“While it’s on my mind there’s a girl who fits the crime for a future love dream that I’ve still to find. But in the meantime…”

I’ve recently determined I need to turn my swagger up to 11.

As crazy as that may sound, hear me out, I think you’ll be bagging what I’m mowing (thanks Keef).

I know I’m a pretty great dude.  Yup, if I still have you, thank you for staying past the jump.  However, I have found that recently I have been putting WAY too much emphasis on what others, particularly women, think of me.

I went out to lunch today with my most recent ex-girlfriend.  We are trying to just remain friends, as we agree we have had a lot of positive impact on each other’s lives.  So, while at lunch, I had mentioned that the tattoo parlor I frequent is in the same plaza and she should stop by to get herself some ink.  Upon discussion, I mentioned the next tattoo I want to get.  She said, in so many words, that if I got that tattoo she would not be my friend anymore.   While I am certain she was joking, my response was, “Well I guess that’d be your loss, huh?”

Why am I NOT living like this all the time?

See, the way psychology (yes, I’m back to turning this into a college lesson) says it, if you’re optimistic, you know that good things happen because YOU make them happen, and the negative happen due to outside forces you can’t control.  While, realistic, sometimes I do make bad things happen, I know that I can, and indeed DO, make some women smile in a day’s time.  I know that while I sometimes frustrate my friends, they can also rely on me to hear them out and support them.  I am NOT a bad person.

Today, a well spoken gentleman and I were conversing.  He was very kind, though his appearance may show otherwise, and though we started talking about cellular phones, we moved on to other subjects such as his daughter (that’s what I do, sue me), his career, my education, and cars.  At the end of our conversation, he told me that I was a commodity for the company I work for.  Do you know how LONG I have waited for someone to tell me that?  I bust my ass, daily, in EVERY SINGLE interaction I have with my customers, yet I am yelled at about the smallest, dumbest of things.  This man, who has NEVER met me, and who didn’t buy ANYTHING from me, recognized me as a decent human being, intellectual, and an overall great communicator.

He’s right.  I am those things.  In the dating world, I’m also a decent site for the eyes (warning, if you are sick of seeing me without a shirt on, close your browser now, as I know some people MIGHT be jealous of this).

Yeah, I did this. I'm not upset. I am PROUD of the way I look.

One day, I’m gonna find myself a woman who is PROUD of the way I look, the way I treat her, the way I am.  Until then, I’m gonna KEEP being proud of the way I look, the way I treat people, and the way I am.  I’m just gonna turn it up to 11.  And keep it there.

So I’ve been hearing a lot about this YOLO stuff.  Completely oblivious to YOLO, I Google search it.

It's like the seven dwarfs thing they say when going to do work. Yolo, yolo, it's off to...living I go...

I get the concept, but I feel it’s a way to rationalize bad behavior.  “Heck yeah I pooped on someone’s car, but, you know, YOLO!”

That said, I have been trying to live as though tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.  I believe it was a Brotip that talked about getting it done today.  It all sort of connected for me.  However, while it makes sense in writing, applying it in practice is difficult.

I’m single, as if I had not disclosed this information enough.  I am at a point where I want, nay, need, to take care of myself.  But I feel as though anything I pass up today might not be there tomorrow.  For example, there is this certain woman I would like to give my phone number to, or better ask for her number.  I just CANNOT bring myself to do it though.

Maybe it’s fear of rejection.  No, no maybe’s, it is definitely fear of rejection.  So, Bro’s, and Bro-ette’s, thoughts?  Recommendations?  Yeah, YOLO and all that noise, but again, I’m being a hypocrite in saying I shouldn’t put off tomorrow what I can do today, because I AM putting it off.

F you, YOLO.  I’ve got an extra life in my back pocket.

I WILL have a video game based on me!